Top 10 Things to do While Your Wife is Shopping For Clothes

Here we are married gents, we’ve all been there. Some important event has come up (wedding, baby shower, brunch, Tuesday) and your wife simply can’t attend without something new to wear. You load up into the BMG-mobile and head to the nearest department store while hearing promises of “it won’t take long, then we can run our other errands.” You enter the store, set up camp outside the dressing rooms, and start on the beard that will no doubt grow in by the time you leave.

It’s happened before and it will happen again, so it’s time we prepare ourselves. Instead of devolving into a purse-holding puppy that looks like he just got scolded, attempt one or all of these little gems for the glory of BMG’s everywhere. Gentlemen, allow me to present:

The BMG Top 10 Things to do While Your Wife is Shopping For Clothes

1. Hold her purse. You know this will happen, so let’s just go all the way. After she hands it off, put it over your shoulder and proceed to shop for other purses. Bonus points if she catches you in the act.
2. Go to the fragrance counter and give yourself a spray or two of EVERY cologne sample they have. Then proceed to find your wife and give her a massive hug. Such a display of unrestrained affection will likely move her to tears.
3. Go to the customer service counter and have yourself paged. When they ask for your name, tell them it’s “Mr. Clark from the IRS.” Wait 10 seconds and watch your wife come running.
4. Go to the customer service counter and have your wife paged. When they ask for your name, tell them it’s “Dr. Lieben.” After your wife tracks you down, go home and teach her German.
5. Buy a bridal magazine and be reading it when she comes out of the dressing room. If she gives you a funny look, tell her you like all the pretty dresses but you’re mostly reading it for the articles. If she doesn’t even flinch you’re already a champ.
6. Read War and Peace in its entirety. You’ll have time.
7. Take out her wallet and rearrange all of her cards, just to keep things fresh. Charge her $20 for your trouble.
8. Put on some of her lipstick. When she returns and asks what the hell you’re doing, pout your beautiful lips and tell her you missed her.
9. If she has her phone with her, send her a text message saying that you just shit your pants and that you should probably go straight home after she’s done. Then tell her to take her time because you’re pretty sure the worst is behind you.
10. Take off one of your socks and put it in her purse. See how long it takes her to notice. When she finds it, give her a seductive look and tell her there’s more where that came from. Bonus points if this happens in front of the cashier.

There you have it. The next time you find yourself stuck in the women’s section, deploy one of these suggestions and pass the time like a boss. Happy shopping.