My Favorite Southern California Stereotypes

My wife and I are among a minority of people in my circle that are actually Southern California natives. I’m not particularly proud of my state (I had no say in where I was born), but it’s a nice enough place to live and the people are for the most part tolerable.

With that said, I have encountered a few “So Cal” stereotypes (Land of fruit and nuts) that are equal parts amusing and false. While I always get a kick out of hearing about a non-native’s impression of this neck of the woods, I believe it’s time to highlight a few of my favorite stereotypes in the hopes of people not annoying me anymore.

We’re All Hipsters

I think we’ve all seen a version of the chain smoking “artist” who wears t-shirts older than himself and jeans that are inexplicably too small to fit over his bony ass (dude I think those are for toddlers). This guy seems to be everywhere in So Cal, but it’s only because he draws attention away from us normal folks.

We Say “Dude” All The Time

Guilty. So are you. Let’s move on.

We’re All Fake

I’ll admit, there are lots of people with fake tans/body parts and iPhones stuck to their faces tweeting about their incredible organic sushi that you probably haven’t heard about yet, and they have an uncanny knack for ending up at sporting events and/or TV. What fails to come through the TV set is that these people are usually Midwest/East Coast transplants who haven’t lived here long enough to know that they’re trying too hard.

It’s January and it’s raining, you don’t need to wear flip-flops and I don’t need to hear about how much colder it gets where you’re from. That’s why you moved here. I know. I’ve met countless versions of you before. Here’s a mouse fart for being from a different state.

We’re All Drama

I personally can’t stand the OC, but I know lots of great people that live there, and they’re nothing like the “Real Housewives” that compelled me to turn off my TV after 3 excruciating minutes. I’m pretty sure some of those people are actually robots. Their faces don’t move when they smile.

We’re All Weirdos

There are lots of weirdos in So Cal, and it’s because of math. California has the largest population of any state (38 million and people keep coming!), so we have lots of EVERYBODY. L.A. county alone has just shy of 10 million people, or more than your state or the nation of Sweden. Mathematically speaking, it’s a wonder we haven’t reverted to an anarchist tribal society and fallen into the ocean.

We’re All Liberal Hippies

For the record, Democrats and Republicans piss me off equally (more on that later). I’m a gun toting, homo-loving free-thinker. I make up my own mind so don’t invite me to your “party.” There are millions more like me, but you won’t find us on TV or bitching about politics on Facebook, because we’re living it on the real.

We’re All Beach Bums

I admit to living about an hour away from some famous beaches. I’m also within an hour of the desert, the mountains (with real snow!), and real farms that grow real food. I don’t need to visit your hometown on the other side of the country to see where eggs really come from. I can drive to Chino in 20 minutes, and the people there talk normal.

We’re All Stuck in Traffic

This one is true 99% of the time, just don’t remind us about it. Also, no, I don’t want to pick you up from the airport.

We’re Looking for Food Recommendations

I know you’ve lived here a whole two years already, but I really don’t need your recommendations for the best Mexican food ever. I know the way to my momma’s house, thank you very much. Also, a $12 burrito should come with a margarita and maybe a sopapilla.

On the flip side, if you’ve never eaten In-n-Out burger, I will gladly pay for your first meal there, no questions asked. It’s just that good.

There you have it, my impression of your impressions. Go forth and piss me off no more. If you still like me after reading this, feel free to follow my new adventure.