My Favorite Southern California Stereotypes

My wife and I are among a minority of people in my circle that are actually Southern California natives. I’m not particularly proud of my state (I had no say in where I was born), but it’s a nice enough place to live and the people are for the most part tolerable.

With that said, I have encountered a few “So Cal” stereotypes (Land of fruit and nuts) that are equal parts amusing and false. While I always get a kick out of hearing about a non-native’s impression of this neck of the woods, I believe it’s time to highlight a few of my favorite stereotypes in the hopes of people not annoying me anymore.

We’re All Hipsters

I think we’ve all seen a version of the chain smoking “artist” who wears t-shirts older than himself and jeans that are inexplicably too small to fit over his bony ass (dude I think those are for toddlers). This guy seems to be everywhere in So Cal, but it’s only because he draws attention away from us normal folks.

We Say “Dude” All The Time

Guilty. So are you. Let’s move on.

We’re All Fake

I’ll admit, there are lots of people with fake tans/body parts and iPhones stuck to their faces tweeting about their incredible organic sushi that you probably haven’t heard about yet, and they have an uncanny knack for ending up at sporting events and/or TV. What fails to come through the TV set is that these people are usually Midwest/East Coast transplants who haven’t lived here long enough to know that they’re trying too hard.

It’s January and it’s raining, you don’t need to wear flip-flops and I don’t need to hear about how much colder it gets where you’re from. That’s why you moved here. I know. I’ve met countless versions of you before. Here’s a mouse fart for being from a different state.

We’re All Drama

I personally can’t stand the OC, but I know lots of great people that live there, and they’re nothing like the “Real Housewives” that compelled me to turn off my TV after 3 excruciating minutes. I’m pretty sure some of those people are actually robots. Their faces don’t move when they smile.

We’re All Weirdos

There are lots of weirdos in So Cal, and it’s because of math. California has the largest population of any state (38 million and people keep coming!), so we have lots of EVERYBODY. L.A. county alone has just shy of 10 million people, or more than your state or the nation of Sweden. Mathematically speaking, it’s a wonder we haven’t reverted to an anarchist tribal society and fallen into the ocean.

We’re All Liberal Hippies

For the record, Democrats and Republicans piss me off equally (more on that later). I’m a gun toting, homo-loving free-thinker. I make up my own mind so don’t invite me to your “party.” There are millions more like me, but you won’t find us on TV or bitching about politics on Facebook, because we’re living it on the real.

We’re All Beach Bums

I admit to living about an hour away from some famous beaches. I’m also within an hour of the desert, the mountains (with real snow!), and real farms that grow real food. I don’t need to visit your hometown on the other side of the country to see where eggs really come from. I can drive to Chino in 20 minutes, and the people there talk normal.

We’re All Stuck in Traffic

This one is true 99% of the time, just don’t remind us about it. Also, no, I don’t want to pick you up from the airport.

We’re Looking for Food Recommendations

I know you’ve lived here a whole two years already, but I really don’t need your recommendations for the best Mexican food ever. I know the way to my momma’s house, thank you very much. Also, a $12 burrito should come with a margarita and maybe a sopapilla.

On the flip side, if you’ve never eaten In-n-Out burger, I will gladly pay for your first meal there, no questions asked. It’s just that good.

There you have it, my impression of your impressions. Go forth and piss me off no more. If you still like me after reading this, feel free to follow my new adventure.

Computer Questions From Old People

My last post served to remind me of a few of the more humorous generation gaps that exist in today’s society. In particular, there seems to be a certain “technology” gap that delineates certain age groups.

As a web developer, I admit to being somewhat computer savvy. My peers have a decent grasp on my skill set. They know I’m the wrong guy for graphic design, programming, relational databases, or video editing.

My parents, in-laws, and others in their age range have a different understanding altogether. To them, the internet is magic. Because I “make” the internet at work everyday, I too am magic. This leads to two quite erroneous assumptions:

• I know everything about every computer on the market today
• I know everything about every device that could possibly connect to any computer.

With that in mind I present to you a list of questions inspired by actual conversations. The next time you get roped into unsuspected tech support, send them to me and I’ll handle the rest. You will be relieved from duty by:

The BMG Top 10 Computer Questions From Old People

1. How do I download things to my computer? You can start by signing up for internet service.
2. Can you fix my printer? I’m a web developer, I’m good at web pages. On a good day, with the wind behind me, I can replace an ink cartridge.
3. Can you burn this document onto a DVD? Gladly. After that let’s rent a limo and drive it across the street.
4. How do I download all of my pictures from my camera? Dammut.
5. How much will it cost for a nice color printer? If you had internet we could check.
6. I forgot my email password. I spent too much money in Vegas. Shit happens.
7. My computer crashed last Tuesday. What happened? You could have run out of memory, or a cheetah could have spilled Spanish wine and tapas directly onto the motherboard. I DON’T KNOW, I WASN’T THERE.
8. Did you get my email with the funny pictures? No, because you addressed it to 7,000 people. Congratulations, you broke the internet and made all the babies cry.
9. What does this error code mean? You were there, remember? When I didn’t invent the personal computer?
10. What’s the best kind of computer for drawing? I’m not sure. Let’s grab a pencil and paper and figure this thing out together.

 

You Know You Were Born in the Late 70’s If…

My friends, I was born into a weird generation. My parents are baby boomers. I have a brother who is very much Generation X. “Millennials” are all the rage in the media now. Where, oh where do I belong?

This post is dedicated to an entire generation of my peers that have heretofore been forgotten. Born in the ass-end of a decade that gave us bell bottoms, sideburns, gas shortages and the Village People, I suppose we’re lucky we weren’t exiled.

Though fashion may have been against us, I believe fate was with us. Some of my favorite people are about my age, and I think we’re all game changers. Watch out Generation X, there’s a new kid in town, and he can’t wait to get old.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present:

The BMG Top 10 Signs you were born in the late 70’s

1. You remember Star Wars toys better than the movies.
2. You enjoyed watching Friends on TV but didn’t get their pop-culture references.
3. You have a 12 year old cousin who can hack and reprogram your cell phone just by looking at it.
4. Your parents and their friends are always asking you to “teach them the internet.”
5. Two words: corduroy shorts.
6. You built the first functioning iPad. Out of legos.
7. You can vividly remember your first color television set, and how it never moved because it was so heavy.
8. You still look forward to finally beating Super Mario Bros. without cheating.
9. You made it all the way through college without using the internet to complete your assignments.
10. Your first cell phone, in all of its dot-matrix glory, was without games but could hold up to 50 phone numbers.

That’s all for today. I’m going to go drop some disco beats on vinyl.

27 Nights

Wonderful readers, today is an incredibly exciting day for me. It is with great joy that I make the following announcement:

My first novel, 27 Nights, is published.

It is available now on Amazon in Kindle format. Additional formats will follow eventually, after I catch my breath.

27 Nights is a collection of bed-time stories woven into a tale about a young ruler trying to conquer death. Apparently a big party and true love are the only way out. You know, that old chestnut.

If you are at all a fan of mythology, folklore, fairy tales, philosophy, and wisdom literature, this book is for you. If you are a math/science/history geek like me, you will be delighted to know that the following concepts have been woven into the stories:

• the Pythagorean theorem
• the Fibonacci sequence
• fractals
• prime numbers
• the golden mean
• the math of music
• pi
• tetraktys

There are also appearances by Socrates, Aristotle, Epictetus, Vivaldi, James Joyce, Albert Einstein, the Buddha, the parables of Jesus, Joseph Campbell, and maybe one or two more characters/ideas from history. I have a lot of favorites. Most importantly, I want kids to know that right action is a reward in itself, and that they can accomplish anything.

I am excited and relieved to be finished, but I am even more excited for you to read it. As a pre-emptive thank you for my internet friends, I am offering my book for free for the next two days (July 6th and 7th). It doesn’t matter if you have an actual Kindle or the Kindle app on another device. Just click on over to Amazon and download it with my compliments. Please feel free to pass this promotion along to your friends and family.

If you give it a read I would love to hear from you. Feel free to leave a comment or a review, or send me an email. Happy reading!

Top 10 Things I Don’t Care About Anymore

On the way to work the other day I saw a bumper sticker that said “Old Guys Rule.” I couldn’t help but agree that yes, damn it, we do.

I was a piece of work in my 20’s. Not a bad guy, but I easily got carried away with trivial things. Material things, pop-culture, what people thought of me. My hair. I was quite the dickens.

In celebration of my aging to perfection, I offer you:

The BMG Top 10 Things I Don’t Care About Anymore

1. Cars. Automobiles are incredible nowadays. They’re faster, more efficient, and it’s never been easier to trick one out. I still love a loud muscle car or a solid pickup. With that said, my car has 140 hp (I think) and it’s always dirty. It gets me to work just fine.
2. Driving. I live in Southern California. Enough said. Thank you, wife, for doing the driving.
3. Looking cool. I’m that 35 year-old who waters his front yard in a t-shirt and track pants. In true BMG fashion, my lawn is more important to me than my image.
4. The NBA. I love basketball, and I love great players who put the game first. There are too few of those players left to hold my interest.
5. Going out. My wife and I eat out a few times a month. Honestly, the best part is not having to do dishes. For the price of one meal out, I can cook two superior meals at home and not wait for a table.
6. Television. Too many commercials, too little substance, too easy to watch classic sit-coms on streaming services.
7. Impressing people. My true friends get better with age, my wife is hot, and I’m all set. I love meeting new people who are genuine and a good time. If you’re brand new and need me to impress you, I have a mouse fart for you.
8. My abs. Being healthy is important to me, being a chiseled display model is not. As a man of integrity, I don’t gain weight, I “build character.” My wife is a fan.
9. My cell phone. It’s a marvel of modern engineering, and it works great when I use it 3 times a week. Nothing says “I love you” better than a well-written email that gets right to the point.
10. Updating Adobe software. It’s a f@(%!^& PDF reader. I HAVE ONE ALREADY THANKS.

There you have it. Old guys rule. The internet proves it.

The BMG Guide to the Ultimate BBQ

My typical grill setup.

In honor of Father’s Day and the summer grilling season I’m going to offer my readers some of my favorite summer grilling recipes. Every BMG should know his way around a backyard party, so hopefully you’ll find a few tips to take your grill skill to the next level. I even included a couple side dishes. Nothing says “I’m a pro” like covering the whole spread.

First things first, the disclaimers:

• I use an entry-level barrel-style grill with a chimney. It’s nothing fancy but it gets the job done. It works well for slow cooking as charcoal and food can be on opposite sides of the grill. If I can get down with a basic setup, so can you.
• I cook using my nose, so my recipes are more like vague memories of what I probably did last time. If something comes out poorly, by all means blame me and the internet.

Off we go, now time for the good stuff. My favorite full barbecue spread includes the following: pork ribs, tri-tip, chicken thighs/leg quarters, collard greens, cheese grits, corn on the cob, and biscuits. Let’s do this.

As with all bone-in meat, “low and slow” is the key for good pork ribs. I’m no pro but I can still get 2 hours of gentle cook time with my $100 grill and basic briquettes. The ribs come out great. I season them with a mesquite seasoned salt and let ’em smoke for a couple hours. I hold the sauce until I finish the ribs in a scorching oven (450+), no more than 5 minutes.

Pro tip: add some kind of sugar to your favorite barbecue sauce, it will help the sauce caramelize in the oven. My favorite addition to store-bought sauce is pureed blueberry pie filling. You’re welcome.

The tri-tip can hang out for a good 45 minutes on the far side of the grill with the ribs. I keep it simple with garlic salt, pepper and some herbage, then give it a quick sear before moving it next to the ribs on the smoke side. I aim for medium rare as I can always grill up a slice on the quick for someone who prefers a welly.

Chicken leg quarters take about 30 minutes on the upper grill over briquettes that have dwindled a bit. Put them bone-side down and leave ’em be. Season how you like and let the smoke work its magic.

Pro tip: Hit the chicken with a bit of citrus right off the grill.

On to the collard greens. Start by bringing a large pot of water to a boil. Add your favorite smoked meat (bone-in, i.e. ham hock, is best, but bacon works fine) and a bit of seasoning. I use salt, peppercorns, and a touch of garlic. Cook the leaves of the greens (no thick stems) for 45 minutes or so, basically until they flop around like cooked spinach.

Pro tip: brown the smoked meat in a skillet before adding to your water. After browning, deglaze the skillet with onions and garlic and add the mixture to your greens. Depth of flavor. You’re welcome.

Cheese grits. Cook up your favorite grits (I use instant, don’t judge), add salt, pepper, and your favorite grated cheese. White cheddar is the new hotness. A bit of chili powder never hurt anyone either.

Pro tip: chopped bacon in cheese grits is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Corn on the cob. Heat it. Add butter.

Pro tip: don’t burn it. OK maybe just a little.

Biscuits. I don’t have a recipe, but the side of the box does. Or have someone bring them because let’s face it, you’re a grilling MACHINE.

Pro tip: my wife is nice enough to handle the biscuits. HEY-O!

There you have it. The next time you host a backyard party, ditch the burgers and blow some minds.

Happy grilling, and happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there.

Top 10 Things My Wife Has Asked Me Before I’ve Had Coffee

This post is dedicated to all the coffee drinkers out there. You know who you are. If your normal coffee order costs the same as lunch or includes the words pumpkin, extra caramel, or extra-blended, you don’t really NEED coffee. You are of course welcome to enjoy it however you like.

This article is for those individuals that DEPEND ON COFFEE. Black-coffee-by-the pot kind of people. Are-there-free-refills-on-drip kind of people. I’m-bored-so-let’s-brew-a-fresh-pot kind of people. My kind of people.

My lovely wife of 4+ years knows that I fall into the second group of people. Before coffee, I have the IQ and response time of a dead snail. I can make it out of the house without coffee, but I have a 10 minute commute and there is a coffee pot six feet from my desk. I am a wonder of evolution.

If I am pre-coffee, I’m just not with it yet, and as such there are exactly two instances where she is allowed to ask me a question:

1. I’m literally on fire. Do I need help with this?
2. I left the house without pants again. Am I ok with this?

If it’s not one of those two things, it can wait until an email at 10:30. By then I’ve had 2-10 cups of liquid love and I will actually be a person. Despite knowing my system, once in a while my wife will forget and pose upon the sleeping giant a question of utmost importance. The following list is inspired by actual morning conversations with my wife. Her knack for random questions pairs perfectly with my caffeine addiction. With that I give you:

The Top 10 Things My Wife Has Asked Me Before I’ve Had Coffee

1. How did you sleep? I don’t know, I was SLEEPING. We can record it tonight and see how I did.
2. Do whales fart? In my dreams, yes. Yes they do.
3. If a woman has a baby in August, she got pregnant in November, right? Oh crap, I used to know this. Let me call my OB/GYN.
4. Do you like the blinds in my office? I love them. They complete me.
5. What are you up to tonight? Going to bed 4 hours earlier. Tomorrow I want to wake up without crying.
6. Do you think (insert female celebrity) is pretty? That depends. Is she hiding behind me with a large coffee and maybe a scone?
7. Do you need a shower before we go? Nope, I actually smell better now than I did last night. I’m just magic like that.
8. Do you know how much the electric bill is going to be? No, but I know that we forgot to turn off the A/C before we left. Let’s keep being awesome all day.
9. Do you want to go with me to the craft store after work? Only if they have happy hour. And magic pancakes that make all my dreams come true.
10. Do you want to drive? No thank you. I choose life.

I hope these examples serve you well, fellow bean-heads. Time for a fresh pot.

Top 10 Things to do While Your Wife is Shopping For Clothes

Here we are married gents, we’ve all been there. Some important event has come up (wedding, baby shower, brunch, Tuesday) and your wife simply can’t attend without something new to wear. You load up into the BMG-mobile and head to the nearest department store while hearing promises of “it won’t take long, then we can run our other errands.” You enter the store, set up camp outside the dressing rooms, and start on the beard that will no doubt grow in by the time you leave.

It’s happened before and it will happen again, so it’s time we prepare ourselves. Instead of devolving into a purse-holding puppy that looks like he just got scolded, attempt one or all of these little gems for the glory of BMG’s everywhere. Gentlemen, allow me to present:

The BMG Top 10 Things to do While Your Wife is Shopping For Clothes

1. Hold her purse. You know this will happen, so let’s just go all the way. After she hands it off, put it over your shoulder and proceed to shop for other purses. Bonus points if she catches you in the act.
2. Go to the fragrance counter and give yourself a spray or two of EVERY cologne sample they have. Then proceed to find your wife and give her a massive hug. Such a display of unrestrained affection will likely move her to tears.
3. Go to the customer service counter and have yourself paged. When they ask for your name, tell them it’s “Mr. Clark from the IRS.” Wait 10 seconds and watch your wife come running.
4. Go to the customer service counter and have your wife paged. When they ask for your name, tell them it’s “Dr. Lieben.” After your wife tracks you down, go home and teach her German.
5. Buy a bridal magazine and be reading it when she comes out of the dressing room. If she gives you a funny look, tell her you like all the pretty dresses but you’re mostly reading it for the articles. If she doesn’t even flinch you’re already a champ.
6. Read War and Peace in its entirety. You’ll have time.
7. Take out her wallet and rearrange all of her cards, just to keep things fresh. Charge her $20 for your trouble.
8. Put on some of her lipstick. When she returns and asks what the hell you’re doing, pout your beautiful lips and tell her you missed her.
9. If she has her phone with her, send her a text message saying that you just shit your pants and that you should probably go straight home after she’s done. Then tell her to take her time because you’re pretty sure the worst is behind you.
10. Take off one of your socks and put it in her purse. See how long it takes her to notice. When she finds it, give her a seductive look and tell her there’s more where that came from. Bonus points if this happens in front of the cashier.

There you have it. The next time you find yourself stuck in the women’s section, deploy one of these suggestions and pass the time like a boss. Happy shopping.

Join the Fight Against Cancer

Happy (almost) Mother’s Day.

16 years ago my mom was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. She wasted no time in pursuing very thorough medical treatments, including a mastectomy and chemo. Six months later she was back at work, holding down a mortgage, cooking for her family, and putting me through college. I didn’t miss a single semester.

I talked to her just a minute ago. She’s at work providing excellent customer service as usual. She loves her husband, her three sons, and her three grandsons. She’s a good time and a helluva cook. Everyone she meets is inspired by her loving, giving spirit. She is, in a word, incredible.

I’m not the superhero that my mom is, but I’ll be damned if I can’t do something awesome in her honor. I can’t cure cancer, but I can join the fight. In true BMG fashion I will do it by issuing a challenge. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce:

The BMG Hair Donation Challenge

I haven’t cut my hair in over a year (a picture of my ponytail is forthcoming). I’m going to grow 10 inches worth of my own luxurious hair (it’s a beautiful shade I call “Café Americano”) and donate it to Locks of Love, a nonprofit organization that provides wigs to children who have lost their hair for medical reasons. They have a great web page with information about donating hair.  Sometime soon some brave little hero(s) will be rocking my “Café Americano” and feeling better about him/herself. BMG WIN!

If the idea of long hair is starting to grow on you (har-har), consider growing it for a good cause. Or maybe you’re thinking about chopping your already-long mane for the summer. Chop it off and send it along.

If long hair is not your style, you can always donate to the American Cancer Society. I’m sure they appreciate any amount. I’m not affiliated with either organization, I just want to support what they’re doing. If you feel the same, consider helping as you feel led.

Best health and wishes to all the mothers out there.

-BMG

Top 10 Annoying Things

In a previous life and blog, I had a grand tradition of posting my own top 10 lists. I would like to revive the tradition with a proper BMG twist. This list is the result of my gradual transformation into a grumpy old fart and loving every minute of it.

And with that, I give you:

The Top 10 Things That Annoy Me Recently

1. Saturday Morning Solicitors. The only thing I want on Saturday morning is more sleep. There is nothing you can preach/promote/sell to me that even comes close to that. Also, it’s 2013 and my house has internet. If I need church or gardening service or cable TV, I know where to find it. Keep your flyers off my porch.
2. 3 pounds of sales flyers in my mailbox. See above paragraph re: the current year and internet. Why are we cutting down trees to advertise “green” products and services?
3. Pillow tags. How and why do they ALWAYS find my face? The pillow is soft and fluffy and supports my head. No documentation is necessary.
4. People asking me when we’re going to have kids. I don’t care how long you have known my wife or how cute your kids are or what you think of me, my wife’s uterus is none of your business. Really. This is like introducing yourself to someone and asking when his wife last menstruated. Let’s stop intruding into people’s private lives and parts.
5. The beautiful chirping birds of springtime. Stop eating my cat’s food and shitting on my patio.
6. Hipsters. Life is short, be yourself. I get it. Having the fortitude to embrace your own tastes is always cool. Being deliberately contrarian and ironic just for attention is not. Being critical of everyone else doesn’t make you an artist, just a douche. Do what you do and do it well, and maybe I’ll overlook your scarf on a hot day or your eyeglass frames without lenses. Maybe.
7. People asking my opinion and then rebutting my answer. Honestly. That’s three minutes of my life I just can’t get back. Why ask me at all if your mind is already made up? Also, I was just being nice. I don’t give a mouse fart about what kind of coffee you drink.
8. Pointless telephone calls. As mentioned above, let’s embrace our high-tech efficient means of communication. I answer the phone for exactly four people: three of them have my last name and the other one gave birth to me. If you’re not one of those people, send me an email. It just shouldn’t take 20 minutes to extend an invitation to a Sunday brunch.
9. Sunday brunch. I make this at home every Sunday and it costs about $6 worth of groceries. I don’t see the point of waiting 45 minutes for a table just to have the honor of spending $25 on bad coffee and yesterday’s instant gravy over stale biscuits. I would rather stare at a cheerio for an hour.
10. Television commercials. I rarely watch TV, but when I do, I make full use of my DVR and/or streaming device. I have absolutely no patience for commercials now. I used to love watching SNL, but it’s devolved into a bunch of 3 minute sketches sandwiched between 5 minute commercial breaks. Take note broadcast television: you are boring the boring guy.

That concludes our inaugural BMG top 10 list. Thanks for reading, and remember: if life gets you down, bitch about it to the internet.